Sleeping

I think that Barack Obama is keeping me from sleeping.

I've mentioned that I was having difficulty sleeping, asking myself 'what he will say about those two things' without any idea who he was or what the two things were. About two hours later, I drifted off to sleep, and almost immediately started having what might be called nightmares, though they were not so much of a horrifying type as of an excessively pedestrian nature. Its hard for me to characterize, but this is kind of what it was like: I was taking inventory of the things in our house for some reason, only I had to do it by item - first every pencil in every room; then every knife in every room; then every book in every room, then.... so that it was a very tedious process. I was aghast at the amount of effort involved (not to mention, clueless as to why I was doing it), when abruptly it occurred to me that I could do this by room - all of the pencils in a given room, then all of the knives in that same room, all of the books there, and so forth. But my relief was short lived: I was wary of this 'room' idea, unable to figure out where it had come from, if it might mean missing something, and was it something I could do at will if I started. I was scared by it.

This is not a restful dream. I've heard of a concept of lucid dreaming, where you can direct the contents of a dream; I tried (Laker Girls! Laker Girls!) but I had no luck at all. Each time I'd go back to sleep, I'd be there doing that inventory again, asking myself the same questions, over and over.

I think that part of it is because I'm a little stressed; I am damn tired of this cold, which is in its fifth day, and still lingering, delivering up the occasionally hacking, throat-jarring, chest-convulsing explosive cough, and part is because I'm stressed by having such a minimal ability to eat; anything that takes any kind of chewing or masticating at all, I can't do -- last night I tried to eat a piece of toast, and it was a sad sight. So just as I'm in a position where I sure could use some comfort food, I can't make use of it. I know this is going to start getting better soon, but still, darn it: I want it now now now.

But thats not the extent of it. I feel like, relative to the 2008 elections, I'm letting my side down. I am not calling people, sending letters, making donations. Last year I recall thinking that although I didn't like being laid off, at least this would free me up to get involved with the local political organization, because it was so important for the Democrats to win, and win big. It wasn't that I demonize Republicans; as foul as many of them are, I take it on faith that there are many decent ones. Its more like cleaning up after a septic tank explosion. Theres so much thats wrong with our country, so much thats gone wrong and been done wrong, that its going to take a lot of concerted effort to even start cleaning it up. There will be people who don't want that to happen, or who are wiling to let it happen provided that their own pet projects and bailiwicks aren't touched; we need to clean up these localized cesspools. I think that the half life, if I can mix metaphors, of these corruption (literally: corruption) is very long, but I think we can start the process, despite the scum who would stop it.And though it sounds naive, I thougt that Barack Obama would be the one to do it. Not to say that I thought him the Ubermensch would who save us all from ourselves, doing the impossible, cleaning out the Augean Stables, righting the wrongs, restoring the traditional values. He's such a sterling individual, though, I thought This is the guy. This is the one who can make it happen. He can remortar the edifice that prior to the Bush disaster we thought was invulnerable to depredation, rot, decay. If anyone can, he can. I thought that, and though I'm skittish about this pastor thing, I still think it. I still think he's the one.

But I'm not doing squat to make that happen. I haven't volunteered, I haven't given, I haven't - anything. I've had good reason -- illness, other actions -- but when I think of all that this country has to do, I get very down on myself for not doing something more than what I've done. Sending in one lousy donation? Thats it? Yeah. So far, thats it.

I feel as if I'm letting him down, letting our side down. And thats making it awfully tough to sleep.

That, and this godforsaken sinus clogging chest rattling cold.