I've gotten the impression from some people at work that they're surprised to see me generally in a good humour, given whats about to happen to me and my job. Yesterday, on a teleconference, I referred to myself as 'Dead Man Walking', and nobody laughed. I guess they think that I ought to be weeping and raging about the sheer injustice of it all. Anyone who routinely reads this blog knows that I do feel angry and betrayed, but I just don't show it. It's not that I'm made of particularly stout stuff -- except, perhaps, for my belt size -- but that I have a couple of robust backups, either of which is enough to keep us going with little impact. When I say that I feel more for the people who don't have such backups, I am not being coy; I really do feel for them. Which is ironic, I think; I don't think of myself as a particularly empathic person, yet I know that I can be touched with sympathy, given the right conditions. It doesn't happen often, but it does happen.
I have always been reluctant to share myself with other people. I don't like relying on someone else, and I don't like telling anyone else of my fears and worries, because I know that many of them are trivial, and I don't want to look like a fool. My wife is the only person that I trust enough to be able to tell her, because I know she won't laugh at me. This general unwillingness to reach out (to use a phrase I actually don't like) to other people is likely why I don't easily make friends. I have known people who've had friends for decades, and I am just amazed by that. I could likely count on the thumbs of two hands how many people like that I know. And one of them died two years ago.
But when I hear of people who are in emotional pain, I always wonder, briefly, if there is anything that I can do. I usually don't, but I wonder. I am not sure if thats an indication of my basic shallowness, or a prudent caution. Mother Theresa has no competition in me, thats for sure.
2 comments:
I think you're being to hard on yourself. I bet you'd be there for someone if you were the only one they could turn to and ask for help.
You do sound alot like my hubby! Tho he has many friends, just none of them are REALLY close friends because he's under the thinking that 'friends are to much responsibility'. I don't completely understand that.
Anyway .. I think the way you're handling your destiny with your current job is marvelous. You have back up plans and therefor don't have to worry about finances, etc. I bet everyone being laid off involuntarily wishes they could have that kind of peace and attitude about it all.
Well... I suppose if I were the only one...or if they were, you know, young, female, and cute (g).
Friends are people who can rely on you, and upon whom you can rely. I don't have a major problem with the first, but I just don't trust most people enough for the second. Others don't seem to have a problem with doing that; I do. My wife doesn't understand it, either.
Don't worry? Oh, Rach, I'd worry no matter HOW much money I had. But I'm trying hard to keep a level head about this. Its NOT the end of the world, and I am very fortunate. I really want to remember that.
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