Thoughts

The weather is grey, gloomy, and rainy. Perfect for the thoughts we're having.

In a manifestation of nature's ability for irony, my mother in law, who had stayed overnight with us and visited my mother yesterday, learned this morning that her sister-in-law, who was in a hospice, died this morning.

We are working through our emotions about this. We have to keep pushing away the idea that all we want is for things to be as they were. Last night, I talked at length with my daughter, and she said exactly that. I did not make any trite observations -- at least, I hope I did not.

We learned this morning that it's possible to extend my mother's life by having her go to a facility where she would live -- they call it an extended care facility -- that could handle bringing her to and from dialysis treatments. At the conclusion of that, when it was felt to be no longer effective, she could still come home to us (assuming, of course, that she did not die in the interim). We like that because it keeps her alive longer, but we don't like it because it's not what she wants. When the palliative care doctor asked what she wanted, she said 'to get well', and 'to go home'. The doctor told her that it was not likely she could get much better, but that we could think about the second -- which is what we're doing.

We simultaneously want my mother to be with us for a good long time, and want this to be over quickly. More precisely, we want the cost and inconvenience to be over quickly. Feeling that way makes us feel quite shabby. Its true, we don't want her to suffer, either, but somehow choosing the shorter life/less suffering option seems ignoble to us. As I say, shabby.

I had said she has in the days to weeks range; that's incorrect. Weeks-to-months.