Medical Paranoia

Medical stuff scares me. In the abstract, it's interesting. When it's about me, it scares me.

I am at the point where I fear going to any medical practicitioner. These people are not my friends. They do not coddle me, though I want to be coddled. They tell me things that I do not want to hear, and I am supposed to nod soberly as they speak, when what I want to do is run away.

The opthamologist whom I see informed me last year that he saw, for the first time, the beginning of degeneration in my eye as a result of the chronic disease that I have. He didn't say if this is expected at this stage in my life; what I should expect, and when; and what, if anything, can be done. I was afraid to ask, because he might tell me.

The oral surgeon whom I see informs me that I need implants, before which I need a bone graft, all of which is going to take months, during part of which I won't be able to wear a partial denture,so I'll have a huge gap right in the center of my upper jaw. He mentions, in passing, relative to some other teeth, that 'they're not really doing you any good', though they seem fine to me. I know they're not -- a different dentist spoke disparagingly of them.

The Nurse Practicitioner whom I see has me take blood readings, and though the long term ones have been good (up to the time I did it, which was six months ago), she tut-tuts if the short-term ones are not. I cringe, thinking about it, and it takes a real effort of will for me to use my personal blood monitor to see what the readings are. I don't want to know, in case they're bad. Its been years since my only colonoscopy, and I know I should get another -- but she doesn't mention it, and I don't ask.

Even seeing the surgeon in two days, a month after the surgery, scares me. What if he looks at the mobility, purses his lips, shakes his head. Is that the best motion you can do with that arm? Really?

Intellectually, I know this is not the way to be. I should accept things as they are, get information, deal with it. Emotionally, its exactly how I am. I feel as if they're all against me, staring, shaking their heads, saying See, this is what you get for years of inadequate monitoring of your health. You're screwed now, buddy boy. You are well and truly screwed. You'll never get that arm back much more than it is right now. You'll go blind. You'll have no teeth, and you'll live on soup and soft foods. You'll probably lose some toes, too.

You're screwed. And its all your fault.

Yeah.

Well, at least laying it all out where I can look at it makes me feel a little better...