Thoughts

For some time, I've wanted to be an adult.

Thats not to say that I think I'm not, but in a way, I don't. I never truly feel that I'm in control of my life, doing things intelligently and with foresight. I do things occasionally that I later regret, thinking 'jeez, why the hell did I do that'? Stupid things -- not taking care of myself, getting incredibly mad at things that I knew were not worth it, but I got mad anyway. I've felt for some time that when I do grow up, things would be different. After all, when I see others -- who clearly are adults -- they never seem to have these doubts, or make these errors. So me, too -- eventually. I've even found myself on occasion thinking that once I die, then things will calm down and be ordered and reasonable. Which, depending on your belief structure, might actually be the case, but as it relates to living... well, no, that seems to be a non-starter as a concept.

This afternoon, I thought again about that, and - not for the first time - I wondered: At what point are you grown up? Really grown up?

And I think -- I think-- it's when you no longer routinely wonder about it. I'm hoping to get to that point.
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Its the day after I wrote the above, and a stray thought just drifted into my mind: am I looking for permission? And, if so, to do what? Or is it absolution, for things that I regret having done? If so, why can't I just do it myself?

This is an interesting insight. I'm going to have to think about this.
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Later that day. I just went for a walk with the person I trust most in the world. In a rambling dialogue, and frequently monologue, I told her what I think my problem is -- a problem, to an extent, that we both have, but once which I think I've milked. I told her that I think that I need to get in the mode of forgetting about the past, forgetting about what I did or didn't do to get me where I am now (thinking specifically about the things that I don't like now), and get instead into the mode of thinking critically and rationally about these things. Focusing on what I can do to fix them, and if not fix them, then keep them from getting worse. Focusing on what I can and will do -- because focusing on wonderful things that I just won't do is useless and worse than useless.

It was -- very interesting.