Tuesday, June 30, 2009

Rainy Evening

Today was a sort-of complex day. Nothing dramatic happened, but it feels as if something did.

Part of that is the weather. I made a push to mow the lawn -- after our two day away, it needed it -- and I got it done about an hour before a forecasted thunderstorm hit the area. The rain was intense -- I couldn't even see the far side of the farmer's fields, for the fog and rain -- but brief; twenty minutes later, it was tapering to nothing. It was the sort of rain that looks as if your grass will be a sodden mess later, but in fact three hours of sun dried it all out. Which, paradoxically, irritated me; I didn't have to push to do that mowing, because the rain which I thought would knock it out for the day didn't do anything of the sort.

Tonight, I made dinner, as I usually do, and I used a recipe we've made before, and liked -- a sort of macaroni and cheese, but with ground beef, carrots, and onions. No major problems, but I noticed for the first time how many pots and devices it used, and was annoyed by that. Nothing incredibly unusual about the recipe, but this time, it bothered me. I think it was because I'm not a person who tolerates clutter easily -- some, yes; we've been known to have a pile of the Sunday papers in the living room for several days afterward. Not a lot, though. That I had made this mess -- well, it bugged me. I don't like doing that.

After dinner, we went out for a walk. I found myself telling my wife that if I knew of someone in my situation -- a happy family, retired at 58, a healthy savings/investment portfolio (not as healthy as it had been, but pretty good nonetheless), nice house -- I'd be envious. Yet somehow, I couldn't draw satisfaction from that. I learned this evening that a woman I'd worked with at IBM, who managed to find a truly awesome job (the kind where you assume it only exists because the bean-counters and rearrangers never noticed it), is still at it -- and in fact is going down to Dallas soon to meet with her co-workers. I was envious. But I don't work! I don't have any of the daily hassles and irritants that she does! Why should I be envious? I don't know -- but I was.

I think I need to find a way to install some purpose in my life -- but its got to be something that my psyche will recognize as meaningful. Oh, boy. That's going to be quite a challenge. I'm very good at not being pleased by anything I do.

2 comments:

Unknown said...

I miss the to-and-fro of office life. (I don't miss some of the bosses I've had, though!) I found it quite difficult to go from well over a hundred emails a day, when I was a manager, to a few a day (when I became a software architect). I found it harder still to go none a day when I got laid off.

These days I have a lot to do, and I find the motivation to do them inside myself. (Not to sound too corny or new-age-y, that is.) I enjoy the challenge of completing something, and of learning something new. I still miss the day to day of office work; heck, I miss my ladder and telephone poles even more! It's been over 20 years since I last climbed a telephone pole!

It can be problematic to find something to fill the days, but it can be done. I found it best to start thinking of it as a job, and structure it accordingly. Eventually, something will catch your attention and you'll think "how can I turn that into a paying job?"

Other than that, when you feel like nitpicking your own work - remember that perfect is the enemy of good.

Good luck!
Carolyn Ann

PS I recall reading something, I think it was in an AARP magazine at a long-ago visited dentist's office, about how today's retirees aren't really all that keen on retirement...

Cerulean Bill said...

Huh -- I put a comment here, and it went away.

I think that I work best with structure, and I'm used to having that structure come from without. Not to say I need or want rules or checklists, because those drive me up a wall unless I devised them. But 'heres what needs to be done'? That, I like to get from others --- others that I trust, that is. Bozos need not apply.

So I guess that means I need a structured approach to retirement?