Last night, at my daughter's event, I noticed a teen boy with a black T shirt that had this slogan: Don't be offended if I turn and walk away. I told my daughter that I thought it was a funny T Shirt, and said that if I liked it, and told the boy, he'd probably throw it away, but if I didn't like it, and complained, he might be pleased. After all, he's wearing it to make a statement.
In today's Washington Post, an article illustrates the experience of a Dutch woman who converted to Islam twelve years ago and now chooses to wear severe clothing -- in the article, an ankle-length skirt, head scarf, and black, rectangular face veil. She says that as a result, people treat her differently -- as an oddity, as a traitor, as a potential bomber and terrorist. She says "They don't have the right to treat me different...It's like staring at someone in a wheelchair. It's not polite. I'm human, even if you don't like the way I appear."
She's mostly right. People don't have the right to treat you differently based on how you look. But they do have the right to judge you by that, especially if its something you can control. And if you choose to dress in a way that evokes terrible memories, you cannot expect that people will assume that you're the exception. Like it or not, if you put yourself in that position, you have to make the effort to show people what's behind the image you've chosen to project, behind what she calls 'her identity'.
Is that fair? I think so. Not the way I'd like it to be, though.
4 comments:
This is so true, and if I may add some observations of my own.
I have been trying to convince some teenagers that the pant's hanging down past their underwear is definitely excluding them from opportunities even if they are not rapper's or gangsters.
(Birds of a feather so to speak)
It's being associated with it in their style or in the image they exhibit...and don't even get me started with the lip rings and eye brow piercings, I know if I cringe just looking at it, what must an employer think during an interview?
The sad thing is most kids don't give themselves the chance to show people their goodness and worth before becoming "An Individual" and that is a quote. They create road blocks for themselves. The thing is it's their choice and is it fair? ...yes, it's their chosen identity. :(
After I wrote that, I thought a bit about the classic question (classic to a guy, anyway): is it fair to assume that a woman is being intentionally provocative if she dresses in a certain manner. I think that the PC conclusion is no, it is not, and, intellectually, I think that as well. But I have to admit that if I see a woman dressed provocatively, I wonder about it. Surely she knows?
Theres lot of caveats in that sequence that I didn't mention. If you know me, you know what they are; if you don't, you might not believe them if I listed them.
I find that I think about this stuff a little more -- just a little -- as my daughter heads toward the teen years. She's a great kid, and I'm not worried. But I am thoughtful.
Blurring your lines a little sorry,
Sometimes I think personally we are thinking so politically correct these days that we feel it to be somewhat of a liability to call it as we see it.
...Have we become this wishy, washy society that thinks one way and reacts in another?
My theory... A woman knows if she is dressed provocatively what she is trying to achieve there are no if and or butts about it. (again personal choice for her own identity)
Yes, for most there's some reason behind it. But, its still the same outcome is it not?
Last but not least thoughtful is good, ...even great!, but so is good common sense.
The best thing you can do is be there for your daughter through these teen years...and BTW most dads get freaked out and pull back just when they really need you. Remember that please.
I think that if guys do pull back -- and what I read backs up what you say -- they do it for several reasons, including a feeling of inadequacy (shes a girl, I don't know what shes thinking or what she wants) and a feeling of potential danger -- I once read of a guy who would not hug his early-teen daughter 'because, you know, the whole lolita thing'. I understand that, whether its real or not. I am delighted by the growth, both physical and emotional, that my daughter's experienced, and if I have to feel awkward or even a little scared to stay close and be supportive, I will. I expect there will be times that I am totally shut out just because I'm a guy. I'm going to try really hard to remember at those times that we have a long history of being together, and we will again.
As for your 'wishy washy' comment -- you know, S, I think we have. And thats tough for me to think because I think we got this way doing things that I support -- being sensitive to differencs, to nuances -- and if I say 'gee, maybe I should not say that because then the people who are opposed to the concept will jump up and down with glee'. And that in itself is another WW image.
I'm not saying that the best thing is to always be honest. But it is the best alternative if you have to choose in a hurry...usually.
BOY, I'm in a somber mood this morning.
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