I don't believe in biorhythms, but if I did, I'd say today was a triple negative. It was not a pleasant day.
Lying here in bed, relatively late at night, still almost fully dressed, its a little hard to remember why it was so bad. Put objectively, the items that brought me down, again and again, seem minor. Perhaps, objectively, they were. But by the end of the day -- and it was a long day -- I was depressed, dejected, almost despondent. Not quite the third, but in the ball park. I called my wife to warn her that I was going to be in a 'take no crap' mood. At the time, it didn't even occur to me to hope that she realized I didn't mean her when I said that. And I didn't mean my daughter, exactly. I meant more a 'Dad's in a ticked off mood; let him alone until he works his way out of it'. Doing so took substantially longer than it normally does. I am not happy with how I acted this evening.
Some of the anger -- I think thats what it was -- of the day came when I realized that I was once again going to be the grunt point man in the acquisition of data for responding to an audit. For reasons that are more visceral than intellectual, I despise audits and auditors. Also, because I was doing that, I could not do any work on my software installation project, which is stalled. And then I got involved in a tug of war over the ordering of the software, when I thought that was all done and gone. And on, and on, and on. I don't need to bore you with it. I probably already have.
At the conclusion, I found myself once again --- once again -- thinking 'should I stay? Should I keep working here another three years?' That's my timeline, you see; stay three more years, retire at the end of it. I don't want to do that. I don't mean that I don't want to stay; I mean that I don't want to have to stay. I think that work should be enjoyable, challenging, rewarding, and the prospect of doing what I'm doing now, for another three years, is a bleak one. It could be a lot worse. But it could also be a lot better. One phrase that I've heard in the past, though never applied to me, is 'If you're so smart, why aren't you rich?' In my case, it comes out as 'If you're so smart, why can't you ....make it better...have profound insights....start a business'. And I can't. I've tried. Not much, not a lot. But I've tried.
I used to say, when people asked why I didn't stay in the military after eight years, that I didn't want to do a job where the best part of it was that some day I wouldn't have to. I still believe that. But I don't act on that belief. Am I afraid to? I think so. You;d think by now -- by now -- I'd be over it. When will I be -- when I die?
5 comments:
My mom would have told you that this problem is just a job in work clothes, Sorry you had a bummer day.
What is your wife's opinion on the whole retirement issue (if you don't mind my asking)? It has seemed to me you are mentally done with this job and have been for some time.
I guess at this point, it's a matter of what are you willing to give up: three years of your life in a job you find tedious, or possibly having to pull the purse-strings a bit tighter in your retirement if you left now.
Pretty cruddy choices :/
(I got your note and the RSS link works perfectly now, thanks!)
Mentallly done: I like that. Pretty accurate, too. Whats odd -- perhaps schizophrenic -- is that the *concept* of what my group does actually makes sense to me. Its the execution that drives me bonkers. And I have to admit, only part of that is due to principled exception. Most of the rest is 'hey, I don't care, just don't ask *me* to do it.'
Purse-strings have always been of interest to me. We're neither of us parsiminous or extravagant -- ie, we're normal (g). And I suspect that no matter HOW much much we acquire (we're not wealthy, but in the past I would have thought so; thanks, inflation!), I'll feel that it isn't enough.
The key, I think is this: if I bailed, what would I do to give meaning to my life? Because the other way of looking at it -- what if I DO live to 85+ and we're down to the dregs of our money, what then? -- is worth contemplating but is ultimately unanswerable once you've taken the basic precautions.What I need is to be sure that I've taken all of the reasonable, and then some, basic precautions. As for my wife, she says I can stop whenever I want -- but thats a partially emotional decision. She wants me to be happy, for some reason.
Glad to hear about the RSS.
If you are staying because of the money, you might as well stay for the money. If you are staying because you like the work, mostly, then stay because you like the work. Bitching about your job is normal, and appropriate, and may not be all that bad a thing. Helps blow off some steam. Presuming that you do want out though.....
Have you considered becoming a consultant? Quitting this job and coming back as a consultant?
I used to hear similar stories from a friend of mine who was on the verge of quitting because she had such a hard time saying no that she got shat upon by all and sundry. You know...."My kid has a ball game on Saturday...can you take Saturday's shift please?", or "well, my car pool is leaving at 5:30 so I can't stay late so can you stay instead?" (no extra pay of course....grin!) She was bitching as per usual, and I said "you know Yvonne, you have a very valid complaint! They are NOT treating you as you deserve, nor are they paying you for being the most reliable person on the team...lets look at "Monster dot com" and find what your skill set is paying? (we did that). Now, march in and show them this ad...tell them you will jump unless they meet the same pay and conditions." "And mean it!" Her hubby backed me 100%!
Well, she did. They immediatly met her pay demands, re-vamped the shift schedules, and treated her less like a doormat.
Was that the end of the story? Heck no! She decided that what she REALLY wanted to do was to raise a family, so she quit that job within 6 months, and settled down to do what she really wanted in the first place. That the bitching about a job she more or less liked was actually a symptom of an internal clock going off...
The point of all this? If there is an underlying "what the fxxx am I doing here", it may be time for a real sea change. Steal the client list, give 6 months notice, make sure they know that you will need the whole 6 months to complete the expensive projects you are working on and therefore don't have time to do any silly audits, and then set up on your own as an IT specialist. Or open a restaurant that serves fine coffee and pastries made on the premises. Or take your wife to France. Or canoe down the Hudson. Build steam trains which travel through the Cumberland Gap to Baltimore and back. Dude...you are not getting younger....what do you REALLY want to do with your life?
If you just want to make somebody else rich, then come work for me!
(I left the military, and went to work for myself. If I can do it, you can! Here is proof!>>>> www.southtower.on.ca)
Much as I value your comments, I don't think I want to make you rich. I'm having a hard enough time making ME rich -- and thats mostly by seriously devaluing what I call rich! As my father in law used to say, he was working on his second million....having given up entirely on his first.
Your observations about consultantly make me smile. I think that being able to do that comes from three things -- a sense of the worth of what you're doing, a sense of your own worth, and a willingness to bet the bank. I've got about 1.5 of that three. Distribute them as you see fit.
One time, I've seen that technique used successfully. My wife was working for a large company, told them she wanted to work part time, they said no. We conferred, agreed that her happiness was worth more than the money, she told them 'this is my departure date' -- and you can guess what happened. But I don't think it happens that often.
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