I realized (again) this morning that I do the best I can at what I do, and that the only way to do better would be to be a true believer in security, which I'm not. It would help, too, to have an organization that doesn't change its mind about whats required about every twelve months or so, which I do, but the primary driver is that to do it better, you've got to be a true believer. I'm not. Never have been.
I do think our problems are partially my fault, but I don't think they mostly are. That might be my ego scarring over, but I just can't afford to take this stuff personally. Though, as is obvious, I do.
Even though I could retire right this minute, I don't want to do that. I want to work in a technical environment, and this place has got the potential for that. Course, they've had it for six years now. I do not like being at the whim of an organization that (gross expletive coming) doesn't give a flying fuck about me or my wishes (boy, I haven't used that phrase in years, perhaps decades), but I am very reluctant to say Well, then, find something else -- don't have enough confidence in myself, never have. So I sit, and mutter, and I do the best that I can, as often as I can. Its usually good enough, and when it isn't -- it isn't.
If they want a real security person, let them hire and train one. Note to any prospective manager: there were TWO verbs in that final clause. As for me: I care, but not overwhelmingly. Its just not worth it to me.
