Well, the offspring's not happy, at the moment. She just found out that a friend who's been unavailable the last few times she called has told her mother, who passed it on, that she's planning to be unavailable for the foreseeable future.
This would not be great news in any event, but as the offspring's best friend is going to be moving out of state this coming summer, she's feeling pretty desolate.
Wish I could help, but I never really learned how to make friends, either.
==============
After I wrote that, I gave her some things that I think of as 'How to Pass For a Human" . I will say up front that they sound manipulative. They are, but I don't mean them in a bad way.
-- Pretend that you're interested in what other people are interested in. You might become interested, but even if you don't, they appreciate it, and might pretend interest in what you like.
-- Call people up for play dates even when you don't feel like it. You might have fun, but even if you don't, they appreciate it, and might be a bit more likely to call you up.
-- If you want to be remembered by people who've moved away, you have to make the effort to keep in touch yourself, because they might not. Probably won't, in fact, because most people are more interested in people they see every day, than people they used to know. Even making the effort won't guarantee they return it, but not making the effort guarantees they won't.
-- Be nice to people you don't like.
8 comments:
Ack! That's tough. Does she have any enthusiasms that could potentially get her an out-of-school crowd? Art, drama, music, chess, games, robotics, computers, etc.? Regional orchestras and choirs were a lifeline for me when I was having a hard time connecting at school. Unfortunately it does require parental investment of time and/or money.
I had posted this in the other thread when we were discussing teen girls but it seems to have disappeared into the Blogger ether.
I highly suggest reading a book called "Odd Girl Out: the hidden aggression in girls" by Rachel Simmons. The title is a bit misleading, as it's just as much about the culture of girls as it is about girls being shunned by a particular friend or group of friends.
I've found it's pretty spot on, on how girls treat each other. It was a revelation for me (and a ton of other women judging by Amazon's customer reviews) to find out that this type of behaviour is pretty widespread and common unfortunately.
Thank you for both comments. I was surprised and pleased to get them. No, that’s not an application of one of the Rules For Passing as Human that I mentioned in the update to this post.
My insights into what motivates her are skewed, because I tend to think of her as 'the way she is' and not 'the way she could be'. I have a strong aversion to trying to make her different -- I'd as soon recommend breast implants as suggest that she not be the way she likes being. Yet I think that that’s exactly what she should do - change the way she is, not the breast implants.
The idea of the out-of-school-crowd is interesting. I don't know how we could do it, given the amount of time that school takes, but its worth pursuing. I'd certainly like to. In fact, I have occasionally wished **I** could come up with a 'Summer Camp for Girls Who Aren't Into Summer Camp'. But I'd treat them like adults, and I think sometimes I do that too much with her as it is. I have to remember what it was like to be her age -- or perhaps about three years older, maturation rates being what they are these days.
Narie, I'm sorry that the blogosphere ate your earlier post. Sometimes that results in writing something better, but usually its so irritating, you almost want to just chuck the idea of posting. Glad that you pressed on.
That book sounds good. I recall a woman who worked with me complaining once that if she worked with another woman, it was always assumed that of COURSE they'd be pals, whereas no one would ever make that assumption for guys. She was on to something. You just naturally assume that women - or girls -- will get along, because 'thats how girls are'. Maybe not, though, huh? Incidentally, I just did a quick library web search, and to my astonishment my local branch actually has that book, so I immediately requested a copy. Thanks for the suggestion.
As for my daughter, it may be a simpler matter -- she can be self-absorbed at times, and her friends aren’t always willing to put up with it. Don’t know if thats whats happening here, but its not out of the question. Can’t imagine who she would get that from.
I understand what you mean about not wanting to feel like you are trying to change who she is as a person. But maybe look at it more as expanding her horizons. It never hurts to shake up your life once in a while, even if your a kid.
As for the other stuff, it's really a hard age that she's about to go into. All of the social stuff for girls gets very complicated. I'm glad you will check out that book. It can get repetitive after a bit, but by then you will have a better understanding of the social world your daughter may be dealing with soon, if not already.
About getting her to change - I remember being desperate for ideas about fitting in or how to decode humans in general. I thought it was most unfair that I was supposed to just "know" how to fit in or behave appropriately.
So what I'm saying is, she may be actively trying to adapt herself anyway. Any ideas might be appreciated, even if they are intially treated with "Oh my god, Dad! You don't understand!" + dirty look + slammed bedroom door. Also don't discount the hormonal stuff, which starts happening really early. You might try "The Wonder of Girls" by Michael Gurian - annoying for several reasons, but good explanations of the physiological part of being a girl.
I had to turn off Cybersitter before I could even display the Google page that listed sites talking about it. Apparently 'wonder' and 'girls' on the same page isn't always a dry psychological treatise.
I'll look in the library catalog in a sec to see if they've got it. Why is it annoying?
LOL, it's an occupational hazard for me - I've got used so used to avoiding certain words, I forgot to warn you to search the author, not the title!
Anyway, I personally found that the ideology grated on me. He never mentions giftedness, for one! The easy dismissal of some feminist ideas as "too limiting" or "no longer applies" was a bit shocking. The worldview is very American and struck me as traditional and conservative, again, a personal preference. Generalizations about a whole sex also get to me. Girls are different from each other, especially gifted girls. None of the above negates the information in the book, or intrudes enough for me to not recommend it to you.
Best,
Joanna
Bill, I'm trying to reply to your email but it looks like Comcast has blocked me "for abuse"! This may take some time to sort out, so if you have an alternate address please contact me that way.
Cheers
Joanna
Post a Comment