...I've been thinking.
I spoke to a nurse from the insurance company that's covering the surgery I just had (talk about getting my money's worth out of them; if I could feel sorry for an insurance company, I would. I might, anyway) about how I'm doing. My policy in all of this has been to be as upbeat as I can be. Partially, that's because it's true; though I'm in no way happy about it, I do believe that I will fully recover, or as close as makes no difference; though I'm in only a slight way happy about how far along I am in that recovery (when I was talking to the nurse, my wife was on another extension; both gasped when I said that I'd tried to take a step today, and failed miserably. Good thing my hands were, intentionally, right next to the handrails, I said. Neither of them took that as an amelioration. I was only trying a single step, and only about two inches, I added, trying to defend myself. Didn't work.) But I'm still more than a little down at just how long this will take. I beleive that I really am lucky; I should be able to walk with a cane within two months, maybe a little less (god, I hope so; I'm winging this, and I totally don't know).
I hate hobbling along. I hate not being about to just go; to carry whatever I want wherever I want. I hate the effort to climb into bed, and the ever-present fear that I'll fall out when I go to get out of it (I've come close). I just hate it. I know, I know, its juvenile - but I hate it. And I did this to us.
When my wife said that she'd be glad to see the end of 2007, I thought yes, thats right. Its the year that I banged in the side view mirror on the Prius; the year I bought the replacement PC (the concept was good, the execution was poor; if I could sell it for cost, right now, I would); it was the year I was ejected into retirement, and not hired by the company that I thought I had a lock on (how nice it is to find that others don't have the same opinion of your desirability that you do); the year that my daughter did poorly in school for the first time since starting middle school. And now this. I'm sure that good things happened --- I think its the year that we bought the graceful lamp that now sits in the living room, for one. There must be more.
The thing is, I don't remember things like that. When I briefly got to see a psychiatrist because I was so obviously tense (not postal-tense, but mad, a lot), several years ago, she asked me what I did to relax. She noted that it took me a while to thing of anything. I'm still like that. I don't know how to relax. I apparently do know how to screw up, though. No one is blaming me, but I am, but thats enough. I want desperately to stop screwing up.
So I was thinking about this stuff . Any idea why I couldn't sleep?
3 comments:
Step 1. Don't worry about it.
Step 2. Really don't worry about it.
My dearly beloved once noted that I never screw up. I told her, "I do, I just don't worry about it." I learn, move on and that's that.
Write out a list of the good stuff. And then forget about the bad stuff. (Bang a mirror on the car? Try tipping a $12,000 Ducati, the day you bought it. It was a learning experience, that's all.)
Life is full of adventure. As my Dad always says: you never know what's around the corner. That's what makes it all a bit exciting.
Feel better. :-)
Carolyn Ann
A burden shared is a burden halved.
I used to have a saying back when I was in the military.....The guy who never does anything never does anything wrong.
When I come back to the shop after being away for a few days (I am a blacksmith now by trade) I always look in the scrap bin to see what my employees were doing. If the scrap bin was empty, I knew they weren't doing anything. If the scrap bin was full...I knew they were hustling. I was asked once "why don't you look at the output bench first instead of the scrap bin?" My answer was "The output bench tells me how the business is doing, the scrap bin tells me how you guys are doing." For one thing, I can tell by looking in the scrap bin what I need to teach you next.
Hope that doesn't sound trite. Most things that are true are kind of obvious that way.
I have been lurking and commenting from time to time on this blog for more than a year now, and my general opinion about you has been "Here is an interesting person...life is not dealing him the best cards, but he is playing them as they fall, and he doesn't complain about the hand he is dealt. Worth the trouble to drop in from time to time and see how he is doing."
Without getting maudlin, I wish I had half your drive and determination.
I spent a fairly long time attempting to write a graceful response which would express how delighted and warmed I am by your comments. I word-smithed it within an inch of its life. It came out - dumb. And sterile.
So, just this:
Your words have meant a great deal to me. More than you can know.
Thank you very much.
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