Friends

I was thinking about friends, the other night, as a result of this little imbroglio with the French kid.  I would have liked to be her friend - for a while, thought I was, though, as I have said, that went down in flames.  I think I wanted it so badly because I find it so difficult to make friends.  Why is that, I wondered. And, along the same lines, when I think of the vague image of 'people I wish I had as friends', why do I always think  “I like smart people”?  They’re two separate questions, but for me, they’re intertwined.

When I was younger, I didn’t tend to think of that exclusion.  I was not all that good at making friends then, either, but usually the organizations that I joined did that for me.  The military, for example.  The clubs that I joined, in high school.  None of these particularly cared whether their participants were bright;  all they cared about was whether you could do whatever you were there to do.  Fix airplane radios, for one.  Hit the right note in glee club, for another.

But without that structure, I found it difficult to establish a connection with other people.  I would be friendly with them, and they with me, but there wasn’t a sense of Yeah, this was fun, we should get together again.  It just didn’t jell.  Different events would occur, but they didn’t establish a sense of continuity.  Even now, that's true.  As an example – from time to time, we invite some people we know locally – some friends –  to come over to the house for dinner, and when they do, we enjoy it.  But it never turns into a routine, something we do on a recurring basis.  It’s always oh, it’s been a while since we had someone over, why don’t we do that? 
 
As for the 'smart people' codicil, I'm not sure where that comes from.  Certainly, I appreciate smart people; they have insights and thoughts that resonate with me.  And it’s equally true that I don’t like dumb people (though I don’t think of them that way, it’s the classification that occurs to me).  People who are fascinated by celebrities, for example.  People who are avid fans of American Idol.  People who think that Facebook is their life. It’s not that each of these is necessarily a bad thing, but if you think of each of those groups as a grouping in a Venn diagram, then where those groupings intersect, I see dumb people – and the more layers of intersections there are, the dumber they are.  Not dumb as a box of rocks dumb, but I don’t have anything in common with those people dumb.  So, taking the inverse, I think well, I must like smart people. Of course, even there, I manage not to connect.  My brief tenure in Mensa, for example: I remember thinking These may be smart people, but they’re not saying smart things.  Which is unfair, and I know it:  I’m a smart person, and not only do I not go around saying smart things, but I can come out with some really stupid thoughts.

Perhaps my standard is askew.  Perhaps I simply need to put myself into a situation where I can meet people who have a potential to be interesting to me, and the reverse, and see what happens. I read something, years ago, in an article whose subject I’ve long forgotten, that we think our neighbors dull, not knowing that they speak seven languages, like to skydive, collect Indian jade – because all we see is what we see, not what they are.


That sort of connection is why I joined Conversation Exchange - and I've met several people, including two who fit the criteria of bright and interesting.  Unfortunately, the only other organizations that I can think of which might make such a connection are dating services -- and somehow, I think that my wife might object.