Had a little bit of an epiphany, yesterday.
I've been exchanging occasional notes with a French girl who lives in the south of France. She seems nice. She mentioned to me that she doesn't date much, and as a result feels lonely a lot. My heart, I regret to say, went out to her. The thought of this kid without people to hang out with - it bothered me. Then she mentioned that this summer, her boyfriend was coming to France. Boyfriend? It turned out that she had met him online -- on Omegle, I know now - eight months ago, and they had struck up a relationship. And not just a relationship. She now lives for this guy. Really - like someone she'd known for years. I was astounded. Someone she met on line?
Holy hell. I thought I should do something, say something to at least suggest to this kid that she's overplaying this. Back off a bit, calm down, relax. You've got plenty of time. Then she said that she was devastated because their plans, for him to come to Paris and stay with her aunt (did I mention that he doesn't speak a lick of French), and she would come up from the south to meet him, were derailed. Her mother talked to the aunt and said no, they can't do this. She's thinking of just giving up. Her life is in pieces.
Wow, I thought, again. Someone needs to tell her that it isn't. And she seems to trust me. I should say something. Don't do something you'll regret, kid. Don't be like the kid we know who was also lonely, not dating, and ended up having sex with a married guy, and now she works at McDonalds, raising her son with the assistance of her parents. That could be you, kid. Be careful. And then came the clincher. I was reading an article about the use of Twitter, and wondered if she used it. So I looked for the user name that she has on Forvo, where we first encountered each other, and, hey presto -- she did. The posts weren't particularly insightful - though I was a bit surprised to see that she had met a 62 year old American guy on Skype, and that it might be useful for her English practice - until I hit the one where she asked another person if it would be a good idea for her to send half-nude photos to the guy.
Wow and holy hell. Especially since the response to the question 'did he ask you to' was 'no...but I did it. He really liked it'. So I looked for the user name that she said the guy has, and he had posted something about this French girl he knew, he was going to see her this summer, and man was she HOT! Which, to my surprise, bothered me. This was my friend he was talking about. How could he say this?
And then I had the epiphany.
She's not my responsibility. She's a nice kid (I still think), and I like her (though now I question her judgement, just a little, even though I can kind-of see how she got there), but she's 17, and someone else's responsibility. Pretty soon, when she turns 18, she'll be her own responsibility. Sometimes you have to make your own mistakes. Sometimes, they turn out not to be mistakes, but difficult learning experiences. And who knows, she could be right about this guy. But however it plays out, she's not my responsbility.
I need to back off.
6 comments:
I do not think that a calm and careful comment on questions she may ask about her love life is out of place here. You can admit that your view is more that of a parent, but wisdom does come with age.
I think she got that when I said that parents tend to worry about their kids, even when it becomes overprotective. And that perhaps she could think of a way to get most of what she wants while giving the mother most of what the mother wants. Got the impression that didn't go over very well.
Its wierd. I really don't care about many people, but this kid, whom I barely know, I care about. I think it's the image of her possibly screwing up her life.
Yes.
You need to back off.
Its not your problem.
Its drama. Teenage drama. Means diddly squat in the long run.
Not to them, it doesn't. But I agree - or at least I did; things have moved on since then. New developments.
Anything that does not involve teeth getting knocked out, or drugs getting injected, or prostitution being the only solution is "drama".
And that includes teen pregnancy, bad marriages, and career limiting activities, which I also lump into "drama". What you called "screwing up their lives". I call it "going their own way". At best they are learning experiences that draw families together. At worst...well....you pick them up, and carry on.
These things happen. The high schools are full of it.
Like all drama, it can be quite interesting to watch.
Whatever does not kill me, makes me stronger?
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