Calls

We were surprised this evening to receive a Skype video call from our daughter.  I've been in the habit of leaving Skype up, since one or two of the French people with whom I speak will call spontaneously, but we didn't expect this.  We had a pleasant if wandering conversation, but it left me feeling a bit unsettled, because she is still thinking that she's going to want to leave at the end of the current phase of their training.  She typed a message to me, so that her room mate would not hear her say it, to the effect that she wants to discuss it when we set her again.  We would be surprised if she has changed her mind, though it is possible: she mentioned that she does not respect people who commit to the year, and then leave before the year is up. Yet she does not enjoy it, and does not see the point to some of their rituals.  She's been through difficult environments, had people yelling at her, but it was always in support of a goal that she could see, and even when she did not enjoy the experience -- which was frequently -- she could see that their goal was her improvement.  Here, she cannot see that, and so she wonders why stay? 

I don't want her to stay, and I don't want her to go.  It's her life, and I'm not just saying that.  As I put it to her, she would not delight us by staying, or displease us by leaving.  This is her decision.  What is important is the education that she is there to receive. In the Corps or not, she would get that.  She'd lose the structure that she wants from the Corps, but at the moment she questions the validity of that - for example, the Corps says they stress study, requiring four hours of it a night -- but sometimes, when the cadet just wants to sleep, because they've been nodding off in class, they cannot -- Corps rules for new cadets are that they stay up until 11PM, no exceptions. We like the idea of structure, but we like the idea of sleep, too -- especially for a kid who has always been reluctant to acknowledge the need for enough of it.   Leaving the Corps would mean losing the possibility of a commission at the end of it -- and that's all it is; they do not guarantee the commission.  That, in turn, would mean that she would have uncertainty at the end of college, like everyone usually does; she doesn't like uncertainly, but - well, that's four years from now.  A lot could happen.

And yet, the thought of her leaving does bother me, and I'm not sure why.  I think it's because I'm concerned that she will feel like a quitter, with all of the negative baggage that that entails.  And yet, if she chooses to leave, I will support her, because I think it will be the right thing to do.  How can doing the right thing make one feel like a quitter?